Ending the Childless Person vs Parent Debates

I grew up during the boom of the social media era - I had Instagram when it was only for iPhones, Twitter when you could access it from multiple apps, Facebook when it was only for college students, and of course, were you even doing social media if you weren't coding on Myspace? I said all that to say, I've seen so much commentary over the years about having children vs not having them (amongst many other debates that have been ran into the ground). When I was a childless person myself I never engaged in the debates because although I was childless, I knew I wanted a baby, a daughter to be exact, and I got exactly that! Now that I'm a mom, I am ready to put on my virtual boxing gloves and get in the ring.

Argument one: Childless people have no idea what tired is

This one always tickled me because who wants to gatekeep sleepiness? Are you kidding me? I'm still in slight disbelief that people have actually got on Beyoncé's internet to argue their case on who is the most tired. Now that I have a child of my own, however, let me give some insight. When I was childless I was a full-time graduate student working a full-time job (7:30am-4:30pm), a part-time job (M-F from 5pm-10pm), was an active aunty (couldn't tell me they weren't my kids), was getting up at 4:30am to go to the gym three days a week (disturbing) , meal prepping for the week, blogging, and still managed to have somewhat of a social life. Was I tired? Absolutely. Dog tired. The idea that my full-life equaled exhaustion, however, is absolutely laughable now. My new stats are full-time mom, full-time job and full-time student (yes, back in school for another degree because I am clearly unhinged). I go to the gym about three to four times a week, mostly in the evenings. Thanks to sleep training, my daughter sleeps 11 hours through the night so my days typically start around 6am vs the old 4am. Looking at the list, I cut my to-do list down since becoming a mom. Yet, although I was regularly tired back then, I am regularly exhausted now. Job description for a parent includes but is not limited to playing, cooking, cleaning, teaching, nursing back to health, weathering tantrums with grace and patience, and showering littles with love and affection, all throughout the day, every single day. Since my daughter has a schedule for eating and sleeping, to ensure she stays regulated I navigate my life around those schedules. Most days it's not really "hard", more so time and energy consuming, which is what causes the exhaustion. Regardless of whatever I have going on, being a parent doesn't stop. When I am feeling sad, I still have to mother. When I am feeling depressed, I still have to mother. When I am feeling cranky, I still have to mother. When I am feeling deathly ill, I still have to mother. Parenthood is a blessing and with blessings, come big responsibilities. Now there are certainly plenty of childless people who have even more demanding schedules than I did while I was childless, however, as tired or exhausted as you may feel childless, there is someone with your exact workload who also is a parent. So, in the war of the weary, the present parent wins every time. I'd say it's a loss that could be counted as a win though!

Argument Two: Parents are stressed out, lacking sleep, and utterly miserable.

This one is funny to me too, considering childless people also argue that they are just as tired as parents (don't fight me, I'm just saying), but, moving right along, I want to get right to the point on this one. Like I mentioned above, being a parent is undoubtedly a major responsibility that has its ups and its downs. Every decision you make, you have to consider your tiny human's wants, needs, and feelings, and put their well-being above your own. With that being said, every parent's reality isn't the same. There are those of us who embrace the challenges because we truly do love being moms and dads and wouldn't trade it for the world! Yes, we're stressed out sometimes (with good reason). Yes, sleep is sorely lacking in the baby's earlier months, sometimes even for years for some families. However, we are not miserable. We are ecstatic, overjoyed, purpose-driven, enriched, fulfilled, and in love with our little loves! I truly hope everyone gets to experience that in whatever way they're meant to experience it.

Argument three: You don't know what real love is if you've never had a child.

This one always bothered me before I had kids. Before I had a baby, I thought it was a truly awful thing to say to a person. Now that I have a child, I still think it's an awful thing to say. While I understand the sentiment, what I think we all have to understand is that perception is reality, and therefore, what is real for you, might not be the case for others. Case in point: there are people who absolutely do not love their children, hate them even, but show and feel an abundance of love for other people. If treatment is an evidence of love, there are people who love their dogs more than some parents love their kids. To me, the thought of not loving my child is incomprehensible, but as a person who grew up as an unloved child, I know that it's a reality for many. I can't imagine loving anyone unconditionally aside from the child I birthed, but some people have the capacity to love others without conditions, child or not.

Argument Four: parenthood is not worth it

 I lived life my way in my 20s, did absolutely everything I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. So, when I got pregnant at 31, I was completely overjoyed and that has not changed! I do not miss my life from before. The freedom to come and go as I pleased and being able to have regular lazy days was definitely underappreciated, I must admit, however, now that I have a family, whenever I do reflect on the past, all those things seem shallow in comparison to what I have now. My life was full, but it lacked the love, purpose, and sheer joy that I get from being a parent. The great news is you don't have to be a parent to have love, joy or purpose, and the bad news is sometimes people don't find love, joy or purpose in parenthood. How you feel about parenthood in general, and your reason behind wanting to be a parent are good indicators of whether or not you'd be miserable. For me, my desire for motherhood was innate, I thought it was the biggest, best, and most beautiful blessing and sacrifice a person could receive and make, and I prayed one day I would experience it. Thankfully, that prayer was answered.

I think I'll put the boxing gloves away for now but drop a comment below and let me know what you think about the kid vs no kid wars, and also let me know if you can think of any other parent vs childhood debates for us to dissect!